Funny Quotes About Doctors

I am dying with the help of too many physicians. Alexander the Great (356 - 323 B.C.)

A natural death is where you die by yourself without a doctor's help.

Beware of the young doctor and the old barber. Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

Joy, temperance, and repose, Slam the door on the doctor's nose.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882)

A doctor's reputation is made by the number of eminent men who die under his care. George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news - the good news is
that you are not a hypochondriac.

Honour physicians for their services, for the Lord created them;
for their gift of healing comes from the Most High and they are rewarded
by the King. .... The Lord created medicines out of the earth and the
sensible will not despise them. .... And he gave skill to human
beings that he might be glorified in his marvelous works. By them the
physician heals and takes away pain; the pharmacist makes a mixture
from them. God's works will never be finished and from him health
spreads over all the earth.My child, when you are ill, do not delay
but pray to the Lord and he will heal you. Give up your faults and
direct your hands rightly ... Then give physician his place for the
Lord created him; do not let him leave you, for you may need him.
There may come a time when recovery lies in the hands of the
physicians, for they too pray to the Lord that he grant them success
in diagnosis and in healing for the sake of preserving life.
Ecclesiasticus 38

Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick
sense.

"Is it true that you smoke eight to ten cigars a day?"
"That's true."
"Is it true that you drink five martinis a day?" "That's true."
"Is it true that you still surround yourself with beautiful young women?"
"That's true."
"What does your doctor say about all of this?"
"My doctor is dead."
George Burns

Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers
merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. Anton
Chekhov

Man has discovered that to kneel before God at least is more
dignified than to lie down before a psychiatrist. William A. Donaghy
(1909-1975)

The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir.
Thomas Fuller


Psychotherapy conquered what is in effect the human condition by
annexing it in its entirely to the medical profession.
Thomas Szasz, The Myth of Psychotherapy

Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears.
The doctor said: "Don't answer!"
Henny Youngman (1906-1998)

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. Samuel Goldwyn.

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy. Joan Rivers.

She got her looks from her father: He's a plastic surgeon. Groucho Marx


No-one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. Kin Hubbard


Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. Dick Sharples

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. Spike Milligan

A psychiatrist is a man who goes to a strip club and watches the audience. Merv Stockwood.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? Paul Merton